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Local Boy Back in Action

For years, dog park patrons have been delighted by the dedication, hard work, and creativity of a local boy who "practices" in the human park next door. 

The young man, dubbed “Hometown Hero” by regulars, is normally seen daily drilling, dribbling, and doing some complicated calisthenics in the park next door. The local boy appears to be training for soccer, as he normally kicks a ball back and forth across the park for literally hours, but based on some of his moves, park goers are not 100% sure of his sport. He arrives by himself in the morning, trains throughout the afternoon, and then leaves toward evening. Almost always alone and appearing rain or shine, the towheaded neighborhood lad is seen doing all kinds of intricate jumps and drills. Everything from burpees to some sort of weird one-legged hop, to star jumps.

Although he has never interacted with dogs or dog people, dog people have certainly taken an interest in him. Widely admired for his dedication, if not his skill, dog people have watched his training for years. Benny Basset Hound’s owner stated “he’s out here every day, by himself, doing whatever that is. I don’t even like to bring the dog here when it’s drizzling and yet, he’s here sprinting across the field. Really puts into perspective what a lazy asshold I am.” Ziggy #4’s owner further commented “he’s doesn’t seem like WOW talented, but damn is that kid dedicated. I just hope he makes whatever team he’s trying out for. I think soccer, but who knows.” 

 

Hometown Hero had been absent from the field for several months, leading many dog owners to squeal in delight upon his return this week. Everyone wondered what grade he was in and hopes his parents really appreciate him as he is a human good boy. 

Weird High-Stepper Freaking Everyone Out

A man doing some form of weird, but ostentatious calisthenics was freaking out all the dogs at the park this week. 

 

On a national holiday, in the drizzling rain, around 4pm, a man was spotted high-stepping outside the park. He was doing a version of “knees-up” on the adjacent street, but rather than simply passing the park, never to be seen again, he turned around and high-stepped right back past the park. 

 

He then proceeded to do some twisties up and down as well. The dogs, who are not aware of the Jane Fonda workout, were visibly upset by his frantic gyrations and began running alongside him, barking furiously. 

 

Of course, this spurred other dogs to join in the protest, which soon saw all the dogs in the park (a total of six at the time) running alongside the exerciser and absolutely losing it. And yet, the aerobicsician persisted with some star jumps and windmills. 

 

At the end of a 10-minute 80s style aerobics session, the man left seemingly exhausted while the dogs were keyed up and ready to rumble. 

Long Dogs The "It" Dogs to Have This Summer!

It might sound like Stefan talking about the places to be, but… the hottest dogs this summer are LOOOOOOOOOOOONG dogs! 

 

Long dogs of all kinds, colors, sizes, and shapes (well, not shapes, because they’re all long!) are taking over the city streets and parks this summer. Here at Nunziato, we have no less than five new long dogs on the scene - some, like Miles, being long-standing park regulars, while others like Boudain, being new. But whether they’re new or old, long dogs are the dogs of the summer! 

 

So what’s causing this fad? Usually it takes some sort of notable event to trigger an uptick in a specific kind of dog. For instance, when Game of Thrones premiered, huskies named Kahlisi were all the rage. Then the Queen’s jubilee ushered in the era of the corgi. So what is so long about 2023? 

When asked about it, one extended dog owner said “take your pick. For me, it’s the never-ending covid and the incessant debates about it. I mean, it’s not hard to wear a mask, FFS.” He then went on to throw the ball for his lengthy Casper, who launched his two-foot torso across the park to fetch and then sashayed back across the park as if he were ballroom dancing. 

 

Another owner claimed it was the “idiots committing treason and no one doing seemingly anything about it. I mean, fucking convict these people. It’s not hard!” before giving a biscuit to her protracted girl Sunny who sat up on her hind legs and could bark "I love you". 

 

Still another long-dogger claimed it was “ rolling back the rights of like everyone, while that  orange buffoon is running for president again.” Before enquiring “did we not move past 2016?”  Her lengthened boy Riley sat licking himself in the sun and rolling around with his tongue hanging out before doing a big hack and trotting off to new adventures. 

Whatever the specific reason, all long dog owners agree “it all makes it seem like I’ve been living forever.” But as long as they have their beloved dogs, it makes it bearable. When asked to comment, the dogs got the big, round eyes and the slightly cocked head. 

 

Maple, a long dog with Canadian citizenship, was blissfully optimistic. Safe in the knowledge that she could leave at any time. 

The Mysteryhood of the Nunziato Pants

A pair of jeans surfaced Friday morning at the Nunziato Dog Park, bewildering park goers. The pants were strewn over the southern fence, with the legs facing the sky. The presence of them led many dog owners to speculate on the origin story.

 

The jeans, apparently a brand called “Boy London”, appear to be in the style worn by teenagers and not those who usually frequent the park. They retail for over $100, but are by no means designer. This has led many in the park to speculate on who would own them, what they would be doing in the park, and what happens in the park after hours. 

One owner mused the Nunz turns into a cruising spot for young Somervillens, an idea that was met with cringes and grimaces from those around. “Gross” said Moxy’s mom. She then went on to suggest that maybe the jeans fell out of a bag and someone strung them up on the fence. This led to further questions about who the jeans belong to and where they were going when they fell into the park. 

 

After 10 minutes of speculation ranging from orgies to clothing swaps, dog owners moved on to wondering if the pants could benefit the park in any way. Bowie’s dad mused on how much they would go for on Ebay while Vince’s lady wondered if the dogs could tug-of-war with them. This idea was quickly shot down after noticing the three button fly and short zipper. 

 

The pants remain on the fence four days later, having survived through a torrential storm. 

Poop bag drought ends as holiday approaches

in another reason to celebrate the greatness of America, the poop bags have returned to the Nunziato Dog Park! 

In a surprise move, the poop bag dispensers have been restocked at the park. Three of the four receptacles have been filled and are bursting with the turd totes once again. 

In a festive response, many of the dogs moved their bowels in the late afternoon, after the complimentary shit sacks had reappeared. 

Park goers responded with not only cleaning up their own dog's doo-doo, but even did a sweep around the park picking up the feces of other canines. 

Word spread fast among regular park patrons and the celebratory mood shifted to one of caution, but many expressing concern about how long the bags may last and if more would arrive when this batch runs out. 

Some even suggesting putting up signs asking to take only what one needs. One poop = one bag. Unless the dog is a giant and requires two bags. 

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Mozart's parents decry "Bad Water" at Nunziato Dog Park 
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In a bold and brazen move, the newbie owners of bougie Bernese Mountain Dog Mozart claimed the water in the dish at Nunziato to be "bad water". 

Mozart was seen drinking the dregs of water from the larger bowl at the Nunz. While there was noticeable sediment in the bowl, the water itself was relatively clear. Yet this did not stop Mozart's over-bearing, helicopter parents from rushing over, arms waving, yelling "bad water!" like Mozart was about to commit several felonies. 

Mozart wandered away from the supposed contaminated refreshment, while his human dumped the remaining water out of the dish. Nearby observers noted the spilled water was the only water left in the park for all the dogs. This resulted in a movement away from the hysterical, self-centered woman, rather than going absolutely ham on the selfish 20-something. 

Mozart and the over-actors left shortly after the incident and have not been seen since. 

Nunziato DOES Have Sprinklers and is Water Capable 

Witnesses saw sprinklers with a few even claiming to have gotten sprayed by errant mist as they passed by the egress to the human side. 

 

The sprinklers were active and spread across almost the entirety of the grass - except for anywhere near the dog portion of the park. They watered the east side of the park, sometimes to point of saturation so heavy, there was a flood in the street from the run-off. But not anywhere near the dog park. Noooooo, the dog park, and the scorched arid sand and gravel that the dogs run on, has to stay hotter than the sun. 

 

Not only do the precious skin puppies get water, that water was on all day. From dawn until dusk. Just watering the grass and the weeds, and the tables. Because everyone knows tables need water more than living mammals.

There have been urban legends at the dog park going back generations of dogs that say one time the dog part of the park had water. The belief that one day dogs might have access to water remains a dream shared by all owners and walkers. One optimistic dog owner, upon seeing the water in the grass across the chain-link fence, pointed to the “sprinkler head” in the dog park, which led several other park-goers to flip him “the bird”. 

Local News

Hachi not OK with this hug

A local Gen-X’er and known basket case around the dog park, PJ, was seen hugging Hachi at the Nunziato. In what those close to the PDA are saying was an awkward moment between an inebriated human and a stoic malamute, the hug lasted much longer than Hachi would have liked but felt “right” to the stumbling PJ. 

 

Hachi, who hails from a culture that is deeply reticent to show emotion publicly - Lowell, Mass - is also too much of a refined gentleman to rebuff the advances of someone who clearly needs affection. Although, the 140 pound pup would much rather talk through it than get physical. 

 

Hachi did, in fact, try to use his words to communicate with the thirsty hanger-on, but he he speaks only a Lingua Franca that is seven or eight generations from being known to the human world, but will eventually usher in a global community united by harmony that the species has never before experienced since walking upright. Hachi also bemoaned the fact that he has knowledge of a kind of affection that humans will one day share that involves zero actual contact, but fills each participant with a depth of warmth, light, and peace that has not yet been felt on this earth. 

 

As PJ squeezed harder, Hachi rued that today was not, in fact, that day.

Man Without Dog Has Lunch in Dog Park 

Horrified onlookers watched as a man, without a dog, entered the park, sat at a park table, unwrapped a sandwich, and started to eat. 

 

The man entered around noon on a regular summer Tuesday. He sat at a table that had recently been urinated upon by a German Shepherd. The table was nowhere near the shade of the one feeble oak tree in the park, but was rather exposed to the brutal intensity of the midday July sun. The baked sand and gravel of the park radiated the heat back, making the park feel much hotter than the 92 degrees fahrenheit temperature it was at the time.  And yet, the man slowly chewed his sandwich - a sandwich that likely had both lettuce and mayonnaise on it. 

 

At one point, the man put the sandwich down. Even though it was on the paper the sandwich came wrapped in, many non-eaters in the park believed the smells entered the sandwich like a poltergeist. He picked it up moments later and continued to eat, taking his time and seemingly, unbelievable, savoring every bite. 

 

Although many owners have eaten in the park before, it is usually on a Sunday morning, a greasy sandwich, that never leaves the upper quadrant of the chest, and is inhaled with the voracity of an imploding black hole. 

Bowie and Doodle locked in clash of the titans with absolutely zero stakes

An epic-cum-impotent fight broke out between Bowie and an unknown Doodle. In a donnybrook that would have been fun in slow-motion, the battle saw rearing of bellicose proportions, but absolutely no putting on of the teeth. 

 

The unknown and never-before-seen doodle, referred to affectionately (and terrifyingly) as “Blondie” sauntered into the park looking for an absolutely good-natured and healthy death spar. Bowie noticed the call to arms and immediately squared up after an unusually adorable play bow. 

 

What happened next is a story of Homeric proportions: minutes of rearing up on hind legs with paws flying in what can best be described as “love punches”, clamorous growling the was more moonlight sonata than death metal, the opening of jaws that best resemble smiles seen on Christmas morn. 

 

All in all, the sparring captivated the three park visitors for many seconds, until a Corgi arrived on the scene. Bowie and Blondie continued the MMA-style (mostly modest argument) undeterred, despite no one paying attention. The imbroglio would have been great accompanied by “O, Fortuna” played on a middle schooler’s recorder. 

New Guy and Dog NOT Josh and Stevie 

A man and his dog entered the park late last week and regulars were surprised to see that the human-canine duo were not, in fact, Josh and Stevie. The confusion arose because the dog -  medium sized, brown and white, hound/retriever/shepherd type thing - and the man - average height, beige and white coloring, beach-type clothes - fit the description of a local dog and dog owner who had not been seen in several weeks. 

 

The confusion arose because the new guy was wearing cargo shorts, a faded t-shirt from a local brewpub, a Sox cap, Sperry shoes, and wrap-around sunglasses. He was between 5’10 and 6’2 and weighed about 160-190 pounds with hair that was a color. His dog was nice enough and played fetch or tug or something. 

 

Upon entering, others in the park were heard to comment “Hey, it’s Josh and Stevie! I haven’t seen them in ages. Oh, wait, it’s not! Huh. Looks just like them. Oh well.” At the time of writing, neither new man or dog’s names were known and neither were the whereabouts of Josh and Stevie. Inquiries are not being made. 

George the New Ball Sheriff?
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In a bold move, George stood up to Vince over the purple ball. George developed a fondness for the silicone Kong ball over the course of several visits, despite it being Titus's back-up. George gallops this little legs all over the park chasing purple. It was during the course of one of these chases that Vince decided he wanted the ball. However, when confronting George, the usually ball-brave Vince backed down from George's warnings. In a move that Vince himself perfected, George side-eye glared at Vince with a low growl and Vince backed off! George's burgeoning dominance will be closely monitored over the coming weeks and more information will be available. 

Hank Gets Mounted! 

Buddy continued his reign of mounting this week when he climbed atop Hank. Hank resisted Buddy's mount, but not as forcefully as some by-standers might have expected. Experts speculate Hank believes it's all tit-for-tat at the park or that he, a sometimes mounter himself, knows that he has to take a little if he is to continue to give a little. 

This does not occlude the fact that Buddy is a frequent mounter and is often pulled off by his human and by-standers from the park. All present agree that Buddy doesn't mean any harm, he just really likes mounting. We will see if the human's continued inteference dissuades Buddy from the practice, but strong doubts remain. 

Opinion

This Looks Like a Nice Place to Have Lunch! 
By A Man Who Clearly Has No Olfactory Sense 

This seems like a nice spot to have some lunch! It’s outside, in the warm summer sun. And there are all these cute doggies around to look at while I eat. 

 

I just got this $18 sandwich from the new sandwich place at the swanky outdoor market. It’s got liverwurst, tuna fish, brie, and four different kinds of mayo! And for a side, a tall glass of milk! I can’t wait to dive in. 

 

I’ll just sit at this table, which appears clean. Oops, just need to dust off these little sand pebbles here. Nothing to worry about. I’ll set down these napkins so I can spread my bounty out before me. Oh look, here come some doggos to say hi and greet me! Aren’t they the best boys and girls. 

 

Well, it’s been almost 90 minutes! Boy does time fly when you’re having lunch with so many cute puppies! I guess I’d better finish my sandwich and be on my way. I will definitely make this spot my new lunch spot! 

Every Dog At Nunziato is Cujo
By A Woman Who Has Never Been to Nunziato

That Nunziato dog park is full of savages and mutts! First of all, it’s super dangerous. The dogs aren’t trained AT ALL. They just run around and bark and attack other dogs and HUMP! It’s so unsafe. And all the dogs are big too. So if you have a little dog, it’s going to get its head BITTEN OFF! I mean, seriously, the dogs there might as well be wolves. 

 

And what’s worse than those rabid dogs is the people. I mean, they’re wilder than the dogs! They don’t pay any attention at all to the dogs. They’re all busy socializing and talking to each other. And sometimes I even see them drinking! I mean, it’s a park for the DOGS! COME ON PEOPLE, BE RESPONSIBLE. Like, you can’t stop drinking for two seconds? Are you all alcoholics! 

 

One time, I heard there was a fight so bad, a guy lost a finger. A FINGER! I bet the dogs ate it too. Savages there. 

 

Oh, I’ve never been there personally. But I know. 

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These dogs suck! 

By the angry guy who collects cans around the Nunziato 

These damn dogs bark at me all the time. I'm just trying to collect my cans and these little bastards run up "BARK BARK BARK" all the damn time. So I bark back! "BARK BARK BARK" but then they just bark back more. "BARK BARK BARK". 

What really makes me mad is the stupid owners. Control your damn dogs. No one has any respect these days. Letting their dogs run up on a normal guy like me. I worked hard all my life. I did a lot for the community and the people around here and this is what I get. "BARK BARK BARK". Goddammit. I tells ya. 

Still, those owners seem to drink a lot in that park. I always make five to ten buck a week off them. So that's pretty good. Even if the damn dogs suck. 

Ball Talk

Bacon Balls - Worth the Hype?

The latest ball taking the scene by storm is the bacon ball. The bacon ball smells like and tastes like bacon. It's great! 

 

The only problem with the bacon ball is, everyone wants it.

 

Bacon balls are creating the biggest sensation in ball technology. And while they are delicious, they cause fights and insanity. 

The minute a bacon ball hits the dirt, all the dogs go for it - and not just the dogs that are normally ballers! All the dogs! 

It turns out, bacon brings out the dogs. 

So in order to keep peace at the park, we ask you to keep your bacon balls at home. Bacon should be a home! It's a treat for us and between us and our humans. We beg, you give, bonds form. So let's keep bacon in the kitchen. 

Bringing Your Own Toys? - Should You? 

Some dogs come with their own balls to the park. Maybe its because they only like their specific ball or maybe its because they find the park balls too gross. Whatever the reason, it brings up an important question - is bringing your own ball to the park ethical? 

The answer is not as simple as yes or no. One factor to consider is, will you share your own ball? If the answer is yes, then bring the ball! If not, leave it at home. 

Another thing to consider: is there a reason you are bringing your own ball? Tiny or huge mouth? If that's the case, then bring your own ball, but don't get upset if another dog gets it. 

Bottom line when bringing your own ball to the park - its fine as long as you are willing to share! 

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