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Weekend Weirdos and Skin Puppies 

These New Somervillens...

Dog park goers watched as a bunch of new Somervillens (folks that have lived here less than 2 years, who pay astronomical rents thanks to handouts, and demand every street have a bike lane) gathered in the human side of the park to do some more crazy shit that only new Somervillens seem to do. 


“This time there on stilts” said Evie’s owner, shaking his head as the three dozen or so folks across the grass tramped around five feet off the ground. “I once saw them in giant inflatable bubbles, bouncing around and bumping into each other” reminisced Maggie’s owner, before adding “what’s even the point of that?” Rex’s owner added “remember that stupid four-square type game from last year?” while several owners nodded in grim agreement. 

The fads themselves are not necessarily the cause of dismay among park owners, it’s the barrage of complaints about the noise or smell of the dog park from people that have recently moved into the neighborhood and are surprised at what a dog park entails. Pairing that with the trappings of gentrification that come with pricing people out of the neighborhood to make way for yet another luxury condo, park regulars see such ridiculous shenanigans as heralds of coming rent increases. 


One lifelong resident and dog park owner asked, “can’t these people do, like, charity work or something to help homeless people or unarmed men from being shot in the back or something. I don’t know.”

Newbs and Weirdos Come Out as "Weekend Warriors" 

With the weekend upon us, all the idiots come out and descend upon the dog park, disrupting normal service and making everything all about them and their unsocialized dogs. 

In order to really understand how a dog park functions, you have to go every day. You have to know the dogs that frequent the place. You have to get a feel for the written and unwritten rules. This can only happen if you go during the week - and several times during the week at that. 

But not these newbs. They show up on Saturday, act like they own the joint, and do stupid things like freak out when another dog barks. 

With that in mind, here are five do's and five don'ts to ensure you don't look like a total idiot at the park and your dog can enjoy him or herself. 


1. Let you dog sniff some butts. Play around. 

2. Keep an eye on your dog. Make sure he/she is comfortable. And be aware when they blast a deuce. 

3. Remain calm if your dog gets in a tussle. Dogs like to growl at each other. You should know the difference between "this is fun" and "this is bad". 

4. Bring water. 

5. Be open and accepting. The Nunz ain't the Ritz. Remember that. Also, they're dogs. Not UN Ambassadors. 


1. Freak out any time a dog growls in your dog's general vicinity. 

2. Stare at your phone the entire time your dog is in the park. 

3. Ignore the people around you. Talk to people! Socialize yourself AND your dog. 

4. Pick your dog up. FFS. 

5. Be a diva. Your dog has likely eaten feces. Your dog has likely mounted and been mounted. Your dog ain't a princess so don't act like it. 

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